Bear
I alternate between a deep certainty and an urge to despair. The despair is not as deep. And this is both in my project and my wondering at the ex-girlfriend. My superego tells me to have patience, and all shall come to pass, but the id in me is whispering all the things that the unbelievers always say when a prophet speaks among them. I think I know which side will win, for I have written some of the main code, last Saturday I did, and just recently saw the ex appear on my chat list, though she marked herself as “Unavailable”. It is perhaps being so near to both of these that makes that evil little imp in me want to give up. That fear of success, almost as great as that of failure. Almost. Time will bear me out. Naught to do but go on. 12:01am comments?
All I Can Do
At 8:18 pm, on Tuesday March 23, 2010, I wrote my very first line of new code. It was a trivial line, but the ice was essentially broken. Thus starts implementation phase 5. Finally. Coming to this I had gone through an interesting little course, thinking at one time that what I was looking for was something very simple. But then I kept coming up with things that did not point that way, and I thought I had it almost figured out, relatively complicated. Then in a sudden insight I saw that there was something that unified the different parts, and I was back to simplicity. Which, of course, is what true beauty always is. I breathe relief that this is happening, once again.
In other news, I am almost done the short story I’ve been writing, off and on. I was going at a good clip for the middle part, but discovered that the climax was going to take some finesse. I’m just about there, where the whole point of the story is building up to. Contemplating, too, whether I’ll take April off from writing in my journal (though still to keep up with this, the blog). Might need a break from doing everything all the time. Might also think of anything else that I can ease up on. It is perhaps I do too much, for too long a period of time. Burning the candle at both ends, which does provide a lovely light, does cause the burnout quite effectively, too. We’ll see what we can see.
What else? I need money. Money is good. (Though it is the love of money which is not, of course.) I cannot pay the entirety of my taxes this year. I’ll pay all of the state & city, but I’m going to start accruing interest and penalties on the federal. I count it as yet another debt, one which I’ll have to pay off as soon as I possibly can. Also, I’m going to buy a new computer, as soon as Apple releases the new models for MacBook Pro. This 2 gigabyte hard limit on RAM is killing me. My friend Doug suggested I buy an iMac, but I’d be getting the 27 inch model, and that’s too honkin’ big. Plus I’ve grown used to being able to pack everything up wherever I go. So anyway, I go.
In which everything happens all at once, and it is all I can do to wink. 12:01am comments?
Quote
The fact that a belief is subjectively determined does not mean that it is untrue; it may be a rationalization of our wishes and may, nevertheless, be in accordance with the evidence. Sometimes we are in the fortunate position of knowing that this is so. We may hold a belief to be true because we wish it to be true, and we may at a later date gratefully acknowledge that the evidence is strongly in its favour. It is by no means to be taken for granted that religious beliefs do not fall within this category. I make this point because many people argue as if it were sufficient to show that our religious beliefs are rationalizations, ... in order to disprove them; as if the fact that religious beliefs fulfilled our wishes and comforted our feelings was in itself a reason for supposing them to be false.
Dante’s Internet
Found somewhere on said ’net.
Click on pic for larger version. 12:01am comments?
March 18, 2010
hope
at times, the hope seeks to escape its bounds, just to explode
and there are joys that in the bones may desire to erupt in light
dreams that touch down and look you in the eye, irrefutable 12:01am comments?
Bring
Do I have enough, now? Can I proceed? I have been trying to begin implementation phase 5, and I keep thinking of things to figure out. Perhaps it does not matter. I wrote in my Facebook status that I’m going to let it come naturally. Whenever the mood strikes me, I’ll start the actual code. Some implementation details *have* been dancing in my mind’s eye, so perhaps it does come, after all. Matters little: the day job must play out, and that goes well, too. In other news, met Bob’s baby, and I’ve still got the touch with kids, apparently. Bob was just amazed at how good I was with their new daughter Sareena. He suggested that I have a drop dead date for my project, after which I should get a real job with health insurance and pay down my debt. Might consider it, who knows? Who knows what tomorrow brings? 12:01am comments?
Time
Wednesday, it was as if I’d breached a barrier, discovered the top of a wall I hadn’t realized I was scaling, and was over. When I was starting implementation phase 5, I sat down and started thinking of how this was all going to work — you know, nitty gritty stuff, what algorithms, etc. I was going to use. And I realized, as I half expected, I hadn’t thought a couple things through enough. That was a couple three weeks ago, according to my recollection. In a rather casual manner, after my day job, I worked things out. On Monday, I had the thought that what I was looking for was supremely simple. And Tuesday, that I would find I had already worked out the solution when I saw it. And then it came to me about how these pieces fit together, meta upon meta, the pattern that forms itself. We’ll see if I can get it down in code.
Other goings on include me having started actual work on the iTaxi little side deal. Since I’d been developing this Android app for my day gig, I realized it would take virtually no time at all to rig up a little of the functionality for iTaxi in the Android framework. I talked to Krisher about it on Friday night, after a few drinks, and going by Hemingway’s maxim of always doing what sober what you said you’d do drunk, I wrote a little thing on Saturday afternoon. I forgot that I had scheduled an eye appointment, but afterwards, I mocked up a layout and hard coded some taxi companies, and gave the ability to call an actual phone number. Krisher was astounded, because he’s been sitting on this idea for years now, and finally someone actually got something that does something written. So who knows how this will be? Time will tell, like usual.
It has been almost year now since I’ve thought that Eun Hye might come back into my life. I still think it. Nowadays, I find it proves to be a test of faith. For I have not a doubt in my heart that it will happen between us. Such a fool I’ll stay, for as my precepts state, it is better to hope and be wrong. I can imagine, when I complain about it, that the Lord asks me, “So, just how many years have you been waiting, now?” And me, embarrassed, can only answer, “Not even a year, Lord. Maybe one.” Poems are written by fools like me, but only God can make a tree. I have put it all in the hands of the larger voices above. And I am learning patience, like Abraham had, back when God told him that his aged frame would be the father of nations. It is hard not to be impatient, and perhaps that’s the clue: if there were not that to learn, I’d have had it happen already. Who knows the mind of love?
dusty
crawling through imagination
through the dusty attics of thought
ideas perfectly good, tucked away
dreams now out of fashion
waiting silently to be employed
as the cycle nears its completion
and everything is new again 12:01am comments?
Did Stuff
Weekend the last Karla and Sarah came up from Jersey and Pennsy, respectively, to drag me out of the apartment and visit museums. We ended up not going to a second one, but we did have a trip to the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art), where I saw my most favorite painting of all time, Vincent van Gogh’s “Starry Night”. I took 4 pictures of just that. It was funny; there was a guard that was there just for that painting. That’s some respect, there, I’ll tell you what. My oldest friend Martin also dropped by on Saturday — a busy day. The girls and I also went to see Avatar, me for the 4th time, they for the first. Fun was to be had by all. The weekend seemed especially long, perhaps because I did so much that Saturday, where as the song said, the morning lasted all day (all day). So anyway, excelsior. 12:01am comments?
